Chapter 19

I stared at the house across the street. I wanted to burn it down. Who did those people think they were putting up “Merry Christmas” and “Joy to the world” signs along with their ridiculously colorful Christmas lights and reindeer and Santas? I glanced down the street and watched two other homeowners doing the same thing. Didn’t they know what they were doing to me?

I let the curtain close in front of me and curled up on the floor in front of the fire I had going. I wrapped a blanket around me and sipped my cup of tea. I was miserable. Sidney Crosby had effectively killed my favorite holiday. Christmas was the time of year when you couldn’t wipe a smile off of my face. This year I couldn’t manage one.

I’d just gone through dealing with all that Thanksgiving bullshit yesterday. If I had to hear one more person say what they were thankful for, I was going to go on a mass killing spree. What had I been thankful for? Nothing. Not a God damn thing. I’d declined invitations to numerous Thanksgiving dinners claiming that I was technically Canadian and our Thanksgiving had gone by a month ago. That was a load of crap. I never missed an American Thanksgiving.

I stared into the fire wishing that I could find something, anything to cheer me up. The only thought popping into my mind was Sidney. I looked down at my cup of tea as if it contained an answer for me. Instead I saw a tear drop fall into it. I hadn’t even known I’d been crying. Not that I was surprised. I hadn’t stopped in a week.

As the sky grew darker I noticed it get brighter outside. I realized I could see the illumination from the Christmas lights across the street. I was envious of them. Today was usually the day I put up my decorations as well. This year I hadn’t even gone into storage and gotten the boxes out. I wiped the tears away and looked over at my phone. It told me I had 15 missed calls, some from the Penguins girls, but today would not be the day I’d return a single one.

A month later I stood in the kitchen at my parents’ house. In the past few years I had basically been in charge of Christmas dinner, but this year I couldn’t bring myself to care. The girls had forced me to put up my Christmas decorations despite my rejections, but not once did they put a smile on my face. As I thought back on it, I couldn’t remember when the last time I smiled was.

I sat quietly through Christmas dinner with my family, only speaking when spoken to. It had never been that way. Usually with them it was difficult to shut me up. I knew that everyone could see how depressed I was, but not one of them tried to make me talk about it. Not until it was late on Christmas night and everyone had gone to bed. I walked downstairs and sat in the dark in the living room staring out the window at the stars.

“Honey, are you okay?” I heard my mother ask. I turned to see her standing at the end of the couch with a look of concern on her face.

“Yeah, Mom, I’m fine,” I said unconvincingly. She came over and sat down next to me.

“Loralei, I know you better than that. What’s going on?” she persisted. I looked back up at the stars and saw the big dipper. It was one of the only constellations I recognized.

“I got back together with Thomas,” I whispered, barely able to hear myself. I knew she’d heard me when I heard her sigh.

“When did this happen?” I looked over at her, tears building in my eyes.

“Last year. I didn’t tell anyone. I was afraid he’d hurt me again. He did,” I told her. She reached over and put an arm around me.

“Honey, you can’t help who you love,” she said simply. I shook my head knowing I hadn’t even told her the half of it.

“I forgave him for cheating on me, and he did it again.” She was silent for a minute, obviously choosing her words carefully.

“You really just have to follow your heart. If it tells you to forgive someone, you have to. That doesn’t always mean it’s right.” I took that in and thought of Sidney. Was my heart telling me to forgive him?

“I’ll never forgive anyone who does that to me again,” I said more to myself than to her. I said it with enough force that she pulled back a bit.

“Is there something else you’re not telling me?” she asked. I’d never been able to hide anything from her.

“Sidney cheated on me,” I choked out. The tears that had been building started to fall. I’d never told my parents that Sidney and I were dating and I wasn’t sure how she’d react.

“Sidney? Sidney Crosby?” she asked. Obviously my father had told her about Sidney being at my house while he was there. I nodded and began to sob.

"After pursuing me for a year I gave in just to have him cheat on me at the first sign of trouble." She pulled me to her and I cried on her shoulder.

“Did you love him?” she asked after a few minutes. I jerked my head away from her.

“Of course not! We’d only been dating a few weeks!” I protested. She gave me a look that told me she didn’t believe me.

“You want to forgive him though,” she said. I shook my head.

“No, I don’t. I don’t want to forgive that.”

“Because of Thomas,” she stated. I clenched my jaw not sure how to respond to that. We sat there in silence for a while. She got up from the couch and started back towards the stairs to go back to bed. “They’re not the same person.” With that statement she disappeared up the stairs.

I looked back at the stars and thought about what she had said. Just because they weren’t the same person didn’t mean they weren’t alike. Somewhere inside me though, I knew better. I found the big dipper again and made a wish. I made one I knew could never come true. I wished that that night had never happened.





Sidney put on a coat, toque, and gloves and walked outside. He sat down in a chair on the front porch. It was late and everyone in his family had gone to bed. He’d had a talk with his father earlier when they were alone. He confessed everything that had happened with Loralei. He told his dad that she’d lied about her father and that he’d gotten so angry with her that he drank so much he took another girl home.

His father was obviously not too thrilled with the news and Sidney understood. He’d put himself into a very dangerous situation. He didn’t even know the girl he’d taken home. For all he knew she could turn that around on him in ways he didn’t even want to think of. He had no idea what kind of person she was and silently prayed that she wouldn’t do anything that could ruin him or his life.

His father also had no good advice for him as far as Loralei went. He asked Sidney why she would lie about her father, and Sid didn’t have an answer for him. When his father asked him why he hadn’t talked to Loralei about it, Sid didn’t have an answer to that question either except that he was a hot head. He was simply too angry to care and it had cost him their relationship.

After telling Sidney that there wasn’t anything he could do about it in Nova Scotia, his father convinced him to at least act like he was happy to be home with his family. Acting is exactly what Sidney did during Christmas dinner. He acted so well he deserved an Oscar. There was no feeling behind the smiles or the laughter. He didn’t feel much except for pain.

Now as he sat outside looking out at a deserted street and the snow he wondered if there was anything he could do. How did you apologize for blacking out while drinking, and then cheating on someone? Sidney didn’t know, and wasn’t sure it was possible. He looked up at the sky and picked out the big dipper. He had never been big into astrology, but he knew about the big dipper. As he looked up he made a wish he knew couldn’t happen. If only he hadn't cheated on her.





New Years didn’t treat me any better. I’d tried to stay home and sulk away the coming of another year, but my friends weren’t having it. Reagan threw a party at her house and they’d made me go. I wasn’t up for small talk but there wasn’t much else to do. No, the only other thing to do was to drink.

And drink is what I did. I didn’t even bother counting the amount of drinks I had and I didn’t discriminate either. I started with wine, changed over to daiquiris and at some point switched to chocolate mudslides. I was hoping the alcohol would dull the pain since nothing else had worked, but so far I wasn’t having much luck.

I watched everyone gather around the TV in excitement as the ball began to drop. I listened to everyone count it down until it was 2009. People began to celebrate and hug. Couples kissed and champagne bottles were being sprayed. I chose to chug my bottle of champagne.

“Happy New Year, Rory!” Sheila exclaimed walking over and giving me a hug. I put my arms around her, but found it was more so I could stay standing than to hug her back.

“And to you,” I slurred without a smile or hint of joy. She frowned at me and took away the half empty bottle of champagne. “I bet Sidney’s having a fantastic time with friends tonight.” She shook her head and half carried me into a bedroom. I was left alone for a minute until she came back in with Phoebe and Reagan in tow.

“Okay, we’ve had enough of this. Where is your phone?” Phoebe asked. I reached into my back pocket and pulled it out, handing it over to her.

“Why do you need my phone?” I asked, working very hard to keep myself upright.

“We need to make a phone call,” Reagan responded. I peered over their shoulders as they scrolled through my contact list. I could hardly read the names as they went by except for the one they stopped on. I watched on in horror as they hit “talk” on Sidney’s number.

“No!” I screamed grabbing the phone from Reagan’s hand and throwing it against the wall. I watched as it smashed into pieces on impact.

“Loralei, for fuck’s sake, what is wrong with you?!” Sheila exclaimed.

“I can’t forgive him. I won’t,” I mumbled.

“You don’t have to forgive him,” Phoebe said to me, pushing some hair from my face.

“Then why were you calling him?” I asked confused. They exchanged looks.

“He really should know what he’s done to you and how you feel,” Reagan replied. I felt the tears coming again.

“You want to know how I feel?” I asked angrily.

“Yes, Rory. Please, finally talk to us about this,” Sheila begged. Instead of responding I ran into the bathroom and threw up.